Smell the Fear and Do It Anyway

I know this is silly. The decision to leave work is made. I finish on Friday. We talked about all the implications of this decision and we are ready to face those.

"But I am feeling frightened."

I know I can write for profit. I know I will get lecturing and other consulting work. I know I will love the life style. I know it will have positive impact on the household and my relationships as well. I think I just need to get on with it. This last week at work is going to be so hard. And being a little scared about my ability to succeed (or otherwise) is a waste of energy.

But it's where I am at.

I am putting everything in to place that I need to in order to be successful.

But smelling the fear is where I am at.

But then I suppose I am like that when it comes to any adventure ...

Talking Is Good

I've found a little cure for my break in transmission! I am sure, of course, that sychronicity has been at hand. But nevertheless the transmission is up and running and roaring to go .... roll on the weekend.

I have had many opportunities to just talk with people. Mainly about my writing, their writing or the writing of people they know, love or admire. It was been a fantastic montage of snippets of motivation, fodder, enthusiasm and love of the craft.

"I forget how lucky I am to be entering a period where I am about to live my dream. "

I might wake up mid nightmare and wonder what the neck I have done ... but I will have done it. Of course I have to write about this period. My god, I will be living the dream of many a writer, blogger ot journaller by writing as a full time profession. No longer is this about the pressure to pay the mortgage ... it is about the pressure to make a go of my dream. Accept the gift and use it well. I remember a little card I was given in Sunday School as a kid ... "Your life is God's gift to you ... What you DO with it is your gift to God".

I'm in for the ride of my life and wrapping up the best pressie I can for God!!!!

A Break In Transmission

Seriously folks. The Easter break in transmission had serious implications. For those of us who work at writing, a break from work is necessary. No matter how addicted, no matter how much we get from the process, no matter what the deadlines. So I did. I took a break. My goodness. No computer, no notebook, no journal. We even went and stayed in a cabin in the forrest!

"And now it's hard to get back in to the swing of things."

So is a break really a good idea? Did I have too much of a break? How long will it take to get back in the swing?

I feel overwhelmed with what I missed out writing about because I didn't use my usual writing tools for five days. I can't imagine how it would feel if you had them taken from you for longer.

Now I'm back I don't quite know where to start.

Easter Break ...

We are going on a bush retreat for Easter and this includes a break from blogging!

A Safe and Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it.

See you next week.

Gratitude

I just feel moved to give thanks today.

Isn't it great that we actually get what we need
and not what we want?

What is a journal's purpose?

I'm writing an article on journal writing at the moment, and it's making me think about what journal writing really means to me. My journal is a place to be so many things - but always just for me (well - until I started blogging and the whole audience thing starts to influence you a little). It is both about the process of writing and how that process helps me digest my day or my feelings or life as it is happening around me AND about the product of the journal and having it to read back later (if I keep it).

"I find that my journal is a place for me. A physical space to be."

Though of course it occupies only a little corner of a bedside table or section of my handbag. I think the importance of my journal as a 'place' became more clear to me on the weekend when I bought myself a new bag. Not happy with how it looked I bought some cool daisies to stick on to it. And to make the bag ready for use in my lifestyle as a full time writer (It houses my Notebook Computer for when I want to be mobile) ... I added a paper based notebook. It was in the act of adding the notebook that I realised that by having a journal with or new me, I have something of comfort.

My journal provides me comfort more than anything else. And it represents an opportunity for good mental health.

Great Way to Get Writer's Block

Let me start by saying I don't believe in writer's block ok? I actually just don't believe in it. I know that the source for my inspiration is far beyond me ... So any block is a communication block not a writer's block. HOWEVER .... since making the decision to write full time (and do some workshops and other things that keep the bills paid as well!) ... I have been writing less.

I can rationalise this phenomenon of course. ('of course' you say 'sounds like good ol' writer's block to me now!'). I am 'quitting my day job' for many reasons ... one of the positive outcomes is that I get to concentrate more on writing full time. Making more of a living from writing than anything else. That's pressure.

"Pressure is never conducive to creative writing for me."

Then ... having so many things to sort out before I leave work is taking its
toll. As is having had a virus recently. More excuses ... all sounding quite
reasonable.

Thirdly ... I am waiting to feel excited about taking a
period of time out to write full time. To deserve it. Somehow it feels selfish.
Isn't it crazy that when a wish comes true you wonder if you are deserving or
not?

The reality is ... that if I work hard with this opportunity I can
prove to myself I DO deserve it ... roll on excitement I say!

Nervous Plunge!

Ok I did it! I have resigned from full time work and from the beginning of May I will be writing full time. Let me repeat that:

From May 1st I will be a full time freelance writer!

Wow. How exciting does that look in writing ...? For now of course I have to wind down from working in an organisation which quite frankly has zapped the energy out of me - though the staff I had were just absolutely the best mob of personalities you could ever want to meet!

I have learnt that for me, organisations have an entity of their own which take you away from the reason you take on a job in the first place. So this is part of a midlife crisis, sea change or whatever you want to call it ... towards a sustainable lifestyle for all aspects of my life.

It is so damn scary it's not funny ... but I have 100% support from my partner and loads of support from people around me ... so here goes! Excited. Scared. You name it ... I'm feeling it. But in the end isn't life grand!

Journal vs Blog for Relaxation

Well here's a new discovery for me ... I haven't been feeling too great in the past few days (and I am not going to whinge!!!!). What I did discover during this time though is another difference in my reaction to blogging vs journalling. Despite not feeling 100% I still maintained all my basic journal committments (you know the basic ones you set for yourself ...for me that's morning pages and gratitude journal as a minimum). I even managed to complete my gratitude journal - you know the drift - things like "I might have a weeny virus but at least I am not dying of dengue fever" and "I can breathe - albeit through one nostril only". Real earth shattering stuff!

"I found writing in my routine way, in my luxurious red silk journal, quite comforting."

It was partly habit and partly to engage in comforting practices that I continued to write in my journal. And of course it was something I could do in bed with minimal effort (I have it set up that way on purpose even when I am well!).

As for blogging? The thought of sitting up at the screen with weepy orrifices was just not appealing. Neither was the effort of feeling the slight pressure that comes from knowing there is an audience. Now this isn't to say I am not happy sitting here writing my blog in my pj's without makeup on, but more that the content has to at least sound like perhaps I am a little classier than that.

Another one for Journal Vs Blog. Not better though - just different.